Jan 14
A Night on the Town
icon4 Jan 14th, 2009 | icon2 Bric-a-Brac |

I am seething with rage. Last night Rach and I went to Open Air Cinema at Mrs Macquaries Point – and had a lovely evening! Absolutely nothing unpleasant happened the whole night! Imagine my disappointment; there I was expecting the worst that Sydney has to offer, and as usual this city failed to deliver.

Our hellish night began with a late afternoon stroll through the Botanic Gardens. The pleasant atmosphere and gorgeous scenery won’t have me returning any time soon. It was a sadly agreeable way to begin a night out.

At the cinema entrance we were forced to endure absolutely no wait whatsoever before being met by some of the least unwelcoming staff you will ever have the misfortune to meet. As we entered, a young lady greeted us with a free chocolate. The nerve! I gave her a piece of my mind, let me tell you. And I took two chocolates.

Next came the moment I was waiting for, finding and reserving a seat. Surely this task would generate the levels of frustration and anger that I craved. But alas! For some inexplicable reason the seat allocation was based on the preposterous notion of first-come first-served. This shows a total lack of ineptness on the part of the organisers, something which I made clear to the young man who handed us our seat reservation stickers.

By now I was becoming calm and relaxed. Surely the food and drink service would give me cause for complaint. But no, it too was quick and painless. Where was the pushing and shoving, the muttered threats aimed at elbow-wielding queue-jumpers? I had a beer to fray my calmed nerves.

As the pre-movie ads rolled I rehearsed my repertoire of moves designed to intimidate noisy patrons, including my favourite, the “half-turn with scowl”. This Sydneyside rabble will surely display the lack of good manners necessary to incur my wrath. But again I was foiled, as it seemed the audience was deficient in every form of social impropriety. And, to my consternation, they remained this way throughout the entire film.

The only truly satisfying moment of the evening occurred as we were leaving the venue. Shuffling along in a crush of cinema-goers I was delighted when the dishevelled, older gentleman in front of me loudly broke wind. At last someone had restored my faith in the people of Sydney! As we quickened our pace to thank the phantom farter, we recognised him as a popular film and TV actor. I won’t stoop so low as to reveal his identity, but I will just say that this little tale of public flatulence is going “straight to the pool room”. Ah, the serenity.

OK, enough clues, it was Michael Caton.

2 Responses

  1. A Gal Says:

    if only you caught it in a jar, your mate in the blue bunny suit could use it somehow i’m sure.

  2. Kaz Says:

    i am wreathing with sage after reading this!