Jun 5
An Addict’s Story
icon4 Jun 5th, 2008 | icon2 Memories |

When I was a kid I got hooked on Class B drugs. That’s B for Biscuits.

It started out innocently enough; my mum would let me have a bite of her Milk Arrowroot or Morning Coffee. Little did she know that she was setting me on a path to biscuity ruin. Soon I was sneaking Scotch Fingers from the pantry. After I had my first sugar hit from a plate of Nice crumbs there was no turning back.

In the mid-’70s there were less biscuits on the market, but they were much more pure than today. I had my first taste of a Honey Jumble around age seven. Before long I was hooked on Chips Ahoy and Chocolate Wheaten. These were an addict’s worst nightmare; once you had a taste you ate until the packet was empty.

Most days I’d score a Wagon Wheel on the way home from school. My poor mother had no idea that’s what I was buying with my 20c pocket money each afternoon.

This led me into the next phase of my addiction, when my cravings could only be satisfied by chocolate. I moved from Chocolate Wheaten into the fully chocolate-covered biscuits; Tim Tam was the most popular, all my mates used to take it. I’d have two Tim Tams for breakfast with a Chocolate Monte chaser.

Around age twelve I tried to wean myself off chocolate by moving back to cream biscuits. I gradually got down to six Delta Creams a day. Sometimes I’d mix things up with an Adora Cream or Shortbread Cream. I would go down to the park at night with friends and we’d crack open an Arnotts Cream Selection. It seemed like fun, we didn’t know the harm we were causing ourselves. But let me tell you, I never, ever touched the Orange Cream … man, those things are nasty.

In the early ’80s the market became flooded with a wide range of new biscuits. Old favourites were coming out in new varieties. One day I scored a pack of Tim Tams only to find it had been cut with caramel. Soon it was becoming difficult to find a pure Tim Tam anywhere.

New biscuit markets started to form. Even the yuppies had their own boutique biscuit: the Kingston. This was popular in night clubs and at celebrity parties, it wasn’t for a suburban kid like me.

My moment of clarity came after an all-night binge on chocolate Tiny Teddies. I came to in the grey dawn, cardboard and chocolate crumbs strewn about my room, and began to weep at the ruin my life had become. My family was very supportive, and with some detox and rehab I was able to kick my habit of many years.

My story has a happy ending. Now I only eat biscuits socially. I avoid the biscuit aisle at the shopping centre and don’t keep biscuits around the house. At Christmas maybe I’ll celebrate with a Mint Slice or two.

Remember, the first step is to admit you have a problem.

2 Responses

  1. kazzibee Says:

    I just remember Polly Waffles having much more marshmallow in them than they do now.

  2. snubian Says:

    I have not had a Polly Waffle for a very long time indeed… ah, memories. I dare say they are more air than marshmallow now.