Apr 2

What is it with people and their lawns? Having recently moved to suburbia I am amazed by the amount of time our neighbours spend preening their yards. As a result, our community is plagued by the incessant noise of garden machinery. In our suburb barely an hour of silence is allowed to pass uninterrupted, before someone starts up a whipper-snipper, lawn mower or leaf blower.

These machines are so loud! Some bloke a hundred metres away starts his lawn mower and I know about it. On weekends the racket begins at seven in the morning. Just as we are sitting down to a relaxing Sunday breakfast, there comes the infuriating din of the whipper-snipper down at number 11.

The leaf blower is a symbol for the futility of mankind’s battle with the forces of nature. It moves leaves from here to there. People, more leaves will fall to take their place, don’t you see? And why use such an energy intensive device to move a few tiny leaves? In my day we used a rake! A broomstick with prongs on the end, remember?

I have witnessed people clipping their edges in the pouring rain. I have heard lawn mowers being fired up when it is nearly dark. I have watched while a neighbour spent thirty minutes carefully manicuring a patch of grass smaller than a pool table. I thought about wandering over with a couple of cues and challenging him to a game.

Each week come garbage collection day, green waste bins are lined up along our street like soldiers on parade. They are invariably full to bursting with all manner of shrubbery. Frankly, I am surprised there are any trees left in our suburb given the sheer biomass that is hauled away every week.

We should co-ordinate our yard maintenance schedules. Let’s all do our mowing and leaf blowing at the same time, so that nobody is put out by the horrendous racket. Imagine the noise we could generate! We could get into the Guinness Book of Records as the world’s loudest suburb!

I suggest we push for lawn mowing to be accepted as an Olympic sport. It was in the opening ceremony for the Sydney Games, so why not take it a step further. Gold medals for Australia would be guaranteed!

If we’re going to spend so much time – and generate so much noise – in keeping our yards tidy, then let’s at least use them occasionally. I only ever see our neighbours on their lawns when they are mowing them. After this weekly chore is done they scuttle back inside to have a beer and watch sport. Sport which you may notice is played on a bloody great big lawn!

2 Responses

  1. kazzibee Says:

    It’s funny that you should mention the leaf-blower. The guy who does our rubbish bins and is SUPPOSED to vacuum our stairwells was down under the building this morning, BLOWING THAT THING ALL OVER THE SHOP. The sound was unbearable. Partly I guess because my ears are shot BUT DID HE HAVE OT BE DOING IT AT 7:30AM?? Apparently he did.

    I noticed this evening that the cheesy puff dropped by somebody’s child 3 weeks ago, is still in the stairwell.

  2. Snubian Says:

    Leaf blowers are specially designed to blow only leaves, not small cheese-flavoured snacks.

    We have just returned from a relaxing weekend down south and are greeted by the sound of a guy with a leaf blower outside. It never ends.