Oct 4
Eating Out in Yamba
icon4 Oct 4th, 2008 | icon2 Food |

Next time you’re in Yamba, be sure to have dinner at Coyote’s Cantina Mexican Restaurant. Rach and I ate there last week, so I can tell you exactly the sort of dining experience you are in for.

First of all, you will be shown to a table by the kitchen door, which apart from being noisy and giving you unwanted glimpses into the kitchen, will render you invisible to wait-staff.

Your drink order will be taken immediately upon being seated. After asking for two Coronas you will be thanked by the harried waitress for requesting “something easy”. This is a reference to their bloated drinks menu which includes a range of ridiculous cocktails, including something called a Smurfet [sic]. (Presumably this is in honour of Smurfette, who I believe was the only female Smurf. Anyway, the Coyote Cantina Smurfet [sic] concoction had about nine or ten ingredients and sounded awful.)

After your drinks arrive you will sit for about 25 minutes waiting for your food order to be taken. By the end of this time you will be wondering whether to: a) physically grab a waitress as she zips by; b) walk into the kitchen and make your own dinner; c) pay for your drinks and leave; or d) not pay for your drinks and leave. We waited until our order was taken. Stupid us.

Get the “Dip Platter”. It is a disgraceful pile of crap that does not belong in any establishment calling itself a Mexican Restaurant. There are four dips, in no particular order:

  • puréed tinned tomatoes
  • sour cream mixed with about half a kilogram of dill
  • mushed-up avocado
  • warm beans with cold grated cheddar cheese sprinkled on top

You also get a plate of Doritos to dip into your dippy selections. I know they were Doritos because I saw the “cooks” in the kitchen pawing them from a Doritos bag onto our plate.

The bean dip is placed above Doritos on the Mohs Scale of Mineral Hardness, and so I was unable to dip into it without my Dorito snapping embarrassingly into ever smaller pieces. And we must’ve got the end of the Doritos bag, because most of the chips were about the size of a five cent piece.

If you’re lucky you might get a glimpse of the chef, a big beefy guy who at one point made a mercy dash to the bar, returning to the kitchen with four beers. “It’s thirsty work in there!”, he said to no-one in particular.

Astonishingly, there was only a brief wait until our mains arrived. I got a chicken chimichanga, which was surprisingly edible. The chimichanga, in case you don’t know, is a kind of deep-friend burrito, stuffed with shredded meat and sauce – not traditional Mexican as such, but tasty nonetheless. The salad had some sort of Italian dressing on it, which was a minor distraction. From memory, Rach’s dinner was also mediocre but edible.

This is what my meal should have looked like

As we were finishing our meals, a family at the table opposite stood up to leave. The mother said to the kitchen staff, “That was the best Mexican I’ve ever had.” The father chimed in with, “Thanks guys, that was bewdiful.” If there was irony in their comments then it was incredibly well concealed.

The bill for this dining extravaganza was a mere $68. No tip.

P.S. If you do ever visit Yamba, go to Sassafras Pizza on Coldstream St. We had a tasty pizza there with drinks and dessert for under $40. Mention snubian.com to receive a weird look and complementary jelly beans with your bill.

2 Responses

  1. kazzi Says:

    now, you see, you have used “complementary” whereas today while designing a report, i had to decide between complementary and complimentary… and although i initially typed complementary, a google search was all it took to make me change to complimentary.

    context: “complimentary offers”.

    you are welcome to receive this comment… it’s complimentary!

    or complementary.

  2. snubian Says:

    Thanks Kaz, although perhaps I meant that the jelly beans complemented the pizza… no that’s a lie, I ate about six before I realised they were making me feel ill. They were free though, so who’s complaining?