Jul 26
Lazy Sunday Afternoon
icon4 Jul 26th, 2009 | icon2 Bric-a-Brac |

I love Sundays. Mainly because the Sunday edition of the Sydney Morning Herald is delivered – occasionally to somewhere in the vicinity of our house, having been fired from a large catapult located at the SMH printing plant 70 km away in Chullora.

The first thing I look at in Sunday’s paper – after discarding the TV Guide and Domayne catalogue – is the “S” liftout. This is the section that takes us “behind celebrity lines”.

Today there is a special feature on Hollywood babe Katherine Heigl (great surname for crosswords, will have to remember that one). We learn that she is in fact much more down to earth than would be expected. Fancy that! She is also “disarmingly honest”. What tosh.

Turn the page and here’s an informative piece about Aussie model Annalise Braakensiek, who has just released a range of “eco” lingerie, made from Earth-friendly products including “organic bamboo”. Shouldn’t this be in the business section? Anyway, we get a pic of Annalise showing off one of her new bras, complete with provocatively raised arm and sultry stare. In the accompanying story poor Annalise despairs about having to attend modelling shoots where “I was wearing these beautiful garments but they only go up to a maximum D cup, and I’m an E cup. It was so frustrating”. I can imagine.

Next is the regular column “Date with Kate”, where somebody called Kate Waterhouse (anybody know who this person is?) has lunch with somebody equally as pointless. Today it’s Sophie Lavers, recently crowned as the somewhat oxymoronic “Miss World Australia”. The photo of the two dining out is uncaptioned, so it remains a mystery which is which. Perhaps we are just supposed to know, darlink. Among the startling revelations from the beauty queen are that her boyfriend of two years is named “Jack Pembroke-Birss” (sounds like an Austrian ski resort) and her biggest indulgence is … chocolate!

Then comes a few pages of tripe entitled “Party Animal”, in which A-list socialite and grade-A dumb mole Amy Cooper reviews the previous week’s party scene. Essentially, we get to track where Gracie Otto was 24/7 since last Sunday.

Ah, here it is!! My favourite piece of printed matter for the whole week (excluding the daily KenKen puzzle). It’s “Urban Style” by uber-wanker Fernando Frisoni. Let me explain this to you. Fernando ventures out into the mean streets of Sydney (e.g., Paddington … ooh! aah!) and finds stylish locals wandering aimlessly about. He then photographs them, dissects their fashion sense and asks a few probing questions.

Bullshit. What really happens is this. A selection of models are paid to be photographed in some non-descript Sydney street (probably in Strathfield) while wearing the most ridiculous clothes imaginable, by whichever local rag-merchants have slipped Fernando a bag of cash in the previous week. Names are then invented for these non-people, usually outlandish and double-barrelled, like “Sabrina von Film-Noir”. (I made that one up.) Some pretentious twaddle is written to accompany the picture, such as:

Sabrina von Film-Noir in Kings Cross wears skirt by sass&bide, top by Felix of Milan, retro sunglasses from a market in Caracas, and scarf from her grandmother’s wardrobe.
What music are you listening to right now? I’m really digging early Kraftwerk at the moment.

Well, after all that – and having done the two Sunday KenKens – I’m too tired to read the rest of the paper, which is pretty much all rubbish anyhow. It will sit in our retro ’70s magazine rack until Tuesday night, when it will be taken out to the recycle bin, perhaps to be later fashioned into one of Annalise Braakensiek’s eco-bras. Maybe I’ve got time for a snooze before tea.

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