May 22

It is with great disappointment that I inform you, my loyal readers, of a recent attempt to compromise the editorial independence of this fine publication. I won’t mention the culprit’s name – you know who you are. But let me make it clear, no amount of intimidation could ever persuade me to include a discussion of Kingswood Country in the Weekly Retro Classics series.

For starters, take a look at the ridiculous opening titles from 1981:

Furthermore, the writing in Kingswood Country was abysmally bad. The writers apparently dug up some old Love Thy Neighbour scripts and replaced “sambo” with “wog”. The show was a televisual abomination, the pointless and predictable storylines ripe with racist and sexist humour. This was a programme clearly intended for the most mindless and easily pleased members of the viewing public. The fact that I myself watched it religiously as an eleven-year-old only confirms this. (Secretly, I wanted to be Craig, the Bullpitts’ medical student son, whose raison d’etre is simply to bonk a succession of ever more buxom babes.)

However, script quality aside, I must pay tribute to the marvellous Ted Bullpitt, a towering character who ranks alongside other legendary cinematic creations such as Ben-Hur, Spartacus and Jesus Christ. That Ross Higgins was passed over for Oscar nominations time and again is criminal. Higgins possessed an Olivier-like ability to captivate an audience, often simply by wandering around his loungeroom with a longneck in one hand and a pewter beer mug in the other.

Not unexpectedly, a lot of people tuned out of Kingswood Country when Ted traded in his beloved Kingswood for the more upmarket Commodore. When Ted’s wife Thelma left on an extended cruise, never to return, it was a death knell for the series. Maturing viewers such as myself began switching over to more intellectually stimulating shows such as Cop Shop and A Country Practice.

Incredibly, a spin-off titled Bullpitt! ran in the late ’90s, with Ted – the only character from the original series – now in a nursing home. Who the fuck watched this?! I hear a one-off special is planned for 2010, consisting of a single 90 minute shot of Ted’s gravestone. Ratings should be through the roof.

Anyway, I’m off to wash Neville the Concrete Aboriginal.

[Jaye, leave yer money on the fridge - Ed.]

One Response

  1. MsJaye Says:

    I hang my head in shame.